Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
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Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar