My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
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When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
181.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
marvel comics have peaked
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.