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Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?