Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
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So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins