Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
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Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.