Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
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I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.