If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
You Might Also Like
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …