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I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.