Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
You Might Also Like
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Get off my horse you stupid moon
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
good for her
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”