Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
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*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.