My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
You Might Also Like
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Spider-cat: No One Home
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls