How I like cutting carbs
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If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
kitchen magnet
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅