In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
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So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches