*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
You Might Also Like
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
concern
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
idk what this dog had been going through but same
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I can also cook 😂
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”