[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
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[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
when you are just born a rebel
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.