this will hang in the louvre one day
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TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White