english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
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Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
you stereotypes are all alike
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
God, I love Scotland
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow