Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
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I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Dishonest mechanic?
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.