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The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Employees must applaud the planets.
incredible book dedication
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.