Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
You Might Also Like
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.