ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
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My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
The “baby” on the left….
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
being a writer on Twitter:
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.