Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
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Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?