I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
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“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.