To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
You Might Also Like
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
my proudest tweet
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.