I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
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me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Would you wear it?
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.