“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
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My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.