Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
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“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.