Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
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[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.