Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
You Might Also Like
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.