My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
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I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference