Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
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Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
these two trucks have the same bed length
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire