Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
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I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.