House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
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I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family: