“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
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wut hotdog?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.