Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
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Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?