Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
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Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
The struggle is real.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.