i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
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Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
bad news gang
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I’m a self-made hundredaire
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
what the hell pray for carter everyone
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?