The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
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Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?