Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
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Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Bike for sale
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Coffee for people with no kids
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.