“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
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My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
let’s discuss
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
me adding lol on a serious message
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
The devil.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”