Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
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OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers