The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
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People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
me after eating Cheetos
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.