if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
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[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
first you must answer his riddles
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted