WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
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“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.