Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
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My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for