[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
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*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Finally, an instrument I can play!
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-