ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
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Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*