I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
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youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.