ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
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FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.