someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
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Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Breaking news:
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.